3+
3+ is a personal project by photographer Jamie Moore documenting his daily life and his polyamorous relationship. His pictures provide a deeply intimate and personal view into the daily life of a polyamorous relationship. We talked to Jamie to find out what it’s like to share your life and home with four partners.
Interview Christian Trippe Photography Jamie Moore
Chris & Mike in backyard
“In November of 2008 I was picked up from a concert in Syracuse, NY and from that day forward I would put myself in the world of two people who would show me how the dynamics’ of love can function. 3+ is an open-ended equation that I believe accurately represents my polyamorous relationship. Our love is not written in stone and has no end much like the title of this work.”
Hi Jamie, thanks for sitting down with us for a chat! For your project, 3+, you decided to document daily life with your multiple partners. Please explain, how many people are you in a relationship with at the moment and why did you start photographing them?
Thanks for having me! I have four partners, and the five of us live together in Arizona, USA. I was into photography before I met Earl & JP in 2008, so photographing them happened right away. I almost always have a camera with me, so taking photos of our lives became a part of my routine pretty quickly. For nearly the first ten years of my relationship, I only really took photos for myself. I was just keeping a visual diary of our time together.
It wasn't until my last year of undergrad in 2016 when I was still shooting for an older project ("A Bear's World") that my professor pointed out that he kept seeing the same two guys – Earl and JP – in many of my photos. After getting to know me throughout the semester, he saw that all those years of what seemed like "just documenting my partners" to me was actually a window into a type of relationship that he had never seen before.
“I almost always have a camera with me, so taking photos of our lives became a part of my routine pretty quickly.”
From that day forward, I started treating my relationship as sort of an ongoing photo project. By that point, I had nearly a decade of pictures to sort through and build into a cohesive body of work. (Also thank you Jesse Avina for sitting me down years ago, it was the matchstick that ignited this project.)
Sunset pool
Assuming the situation developed over time, how did your family grow to where it is now? Are you looking for someone else to join?
It's probably best to start this one by letting people know the players in the game so that they can identify everyone in the work. We have me, the youngest with all the different tattoos; Earl, the oldest with grey hair; JP with the shaved head; and Chris and Mike with the matching full-body tattoos (Chris being the heavier one).
The answer to this is (as you can probably imagine) a long one, but I will try to keep it succinct. Earl & JP have been together for 25 years, and the first 7 of those years were a closed relationship. They both recognised that they had different interests sexually as the years went on, but they still loved each other... so the new challenge became figuring out how to function and maintain their life together while in a sexually-open relationship. While there were a few bumps in the road along the way, it was working well for them.
A few years later, I came into the picture. Here I guess it's important to clarify that while they had opened their relationship sexually, Earl and JP weren't seeking to add anyone to their "love relationship". To be clear, none of us really went into our respective searches for love with the intention of finding (or wanting) multiple partners – we didn't just wake up one day and say "I'm poly" and start trying to force that specific outcome. My friendship (and later relationship) with Earl and JP was originally supposed to be temporary – I was only going to move into a spare room in their home and attend a two-year photography program at a college in Upstate New York. After graduation, the expectation was that I would move back to Buffalo – but obviously that didn't end up happening. A year after finishing the two-year program, I moved to Chicago to continue working on my Undergraduate and Master's Degree while Earl and JP stayed in NY, with the expectation that we'd all end up back together when I was completely finished with school.
Chris with blue background
Chris & Mike in shower
During my time in Chicago, I started getting back into video gaming heavily. I was able to weave it into my school schedule, it was a cheap pastime for a poor student, and it allowed me to keep in touch with far-away friends so it was pretty ideal. I started playing the game Destiny religiously, and that ultimately lead me to meet Chris through mutual friends that we gamed with online. At the same time that I was on my own in Chicago for school, Chris and Mike were forming an increasingly close friendship – albeit one that was never intended to become a relationship. Once I met Chris in 2017, I knew that he was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Earl and JP had told me for years prior that "one day you're going to find someone who you wanna settle down with and call your own". Until that point, I had always responded with something like "Yeah whatever… I'm happy with you guys!" but Chris came along and that door broke down for me immediately. Unfortunately, like many good things in life, some old relationships sadly had to end before the new ones could exist – and both Chris and Mike were in separate marriages that were no longer healthy for them. When I was getting ready to start my Master's Degree, and Chris made the decision to end his relationship and I offered to let him move in with me in Chicago for a change of scenery while he figured out what "next" looked like. Now, I'm condensing years of story into a few paragraphs here – so bear in mind that during this time, Earl and JP have met Chris and have been interacting and building a relationship as well.
“We came across a fantastic house that seemed like it was truly made for our situation. So we bought it, and that is basically what everyone is seeing as the current form of 3+.”
Throughout all this, Chris and Mike remained close friends and their relationship continued to deepen. It's obvious to anyone with a head that they're two peas in a pod, and when my relationship with Chris became serious, he made a point of being frank that his feelings for Mike were significant and not something that he wanted to set aside as we moved forward. By this time, I have been in an open relationship for 9 years – so having an honest conversation about feelings for someone that isn't you... just isn't that scary. I trusted Chris just as he trusted me when first meeting Earl and JP... and it certainly didn't hurt that I already had a huge crush on Mike (have you seen him??). Ultimately, we chose to let Mike know that there was more than enough space in our lives – and our home – for him if he decided that was what he wanted. While it wasn't easy, he ultimately decided to end his relationship and become a part of our lives. And Chris was right – Mike IS wonderful, and I can't imagine my life without him now.
Jump forward a bit to the middle of the pandemic, and a year of being constantly cooped up has taught us all that we can actually stand to live together... so we started a tentative search for a place that was big enough for all of us. While I don't think that would have been practical in Chicago, when we expanded our search westward, we came across a fantastic house that seemed like it was truly made for our situation. So we bought it, and that is basically what everyone is seeing as the current form of 3+. Also, I appreciate you hanging in there as I try to cram 13 years of relationship into a single question.
And since the first answer was so long, I'll keep the answer to the second part of your question ("Are you looking for someone else to join?") No. We just can't handle any more laundry.
Chris looking over Mike’s shoulder
Earl cooking
JP with iPad at sunset
We all have good friends that we really like and love to spend time with. At what point do you think they are more than just a friend?
There are so many factors that go into this answer. Relationships adapt and change as we change as people over time... but for me, I guess it starts to happen when you realise that your relationship has real substance. Attraction and sex are easy... "friends with benefits" exist for a reason. It's when you start to realise that you admire and appreciate someone, and notice that you are your better self when you're with them... that's when you start to consider them as part of a greater whole.
I'm certainly not going to lie – having a huge crush on Mike absolutely helped my initial willingness to get to know him... but that attraction would have ended at friendship if there hadn't been so much more to build on. Mutual interests and hobbies are helpful. Having a similar overall approach to "handling life stuff" is certainly important when you're sharing space. But I also want people in my life who inspire me to be a better person and aren't afraid to tell me when I'm wrong. Those are the things that make a relationship seem like more than just a friendship to me.
What does a polyamorous relationship give you that a more conventional partnership can't and are there any negative sides to it?
Honestly? Freedom is probably the biggest one. We're all adults in this relationship and know how to communicate our wants and needs. There is no part of our relationship where any of us feels tied down. We talk about everything all of the time and stay committed to understanding each other. If Earl and JP wanna go for a long weekend drive out to California? "Cool, have fun. Send photos". I wanna go to a hardcore show a state over? "Great, don't get ur front tooth punched out again". Oh, you wanna go meet a guy you've been chatting with? "Ok. Be safe! Have fun". As long as the core commitment is to be good to each other and make "a healthy life together" a top priority, there's not really much need to restrict anyone's freedom to do what makes them happy. It also means that no one person in the group has to meet your every need. I play video games with Chris. I want to ride motorcycles with Mike. Earl doesn't love technology, but JP and Mike can nerd out about anything. Earl and JP and I all love to travel. Chris and Mike cook and do creative projects together. The Legos fit together in a lot of different ways.
“There is no part of our relationship where any of us feels tied down. We talk about everything all of the time and stay committed to understanding each other.”
As for negatives, there aren't many. There's certainly a lot to be said about learning to handle so much constant interaction and figuring out how to respect each other's privacy when you're always together. Remembering who doesn't like mushrooms and who won't eat brown rice takes some juggling. It takes work to learn but gets easier as the habits form. I guess the biggest hurdle is probably just explaining our relationship to other people in a way that accurately conveys how "normal" it is despite the apparent complexity.
Chris and Mike Orc portrait
Chris painting
Mike haircut
I imagine the dynamics within the group can sometimes be challenging. How do you manage that everyone feels equal and not overlooked?
Talk. Pay attention. That's it. Plain and simple. We manage expectations by communicating with each other about everything. There certainly have been challenges with our relationship, but not necessarily more complex than a relationship between two people. All of us are pretty easygoing and realise that we need to be a team when it comes to running a house and living together with this many people. We don't really have any kind of hierarchy – everyone just has their specialties and areas of expertise or passion, but we don't have a formal "structure" to things. I know that works for some people, and that's cool… but I don't think any of us take ourselves seriously enough to pull that off. Heh.
Does your love spread equally across all your partners?
The core answer to this answer is "yes" – everyone treats everyone else with love and respect. The larger answer is a little more complex than that because expressions of love take different forms and pathways for everyone involved. There's nothing that I wouldn't do for all of my guys and I know they feel the same about each other, but the larger relationship is still comprised of the smaller components that we built along the way.
“Everyone treats everyone else with love and respect.”
I met Earl first, so my attraction and affection were initially focused on him and less on JP. That changed over time through Earl, as did my relationship with Mike through Chris. If you had to make a flowchart, then original relationships were with Earl and Chris... but Mike and JP were essential components of those two connections and I don't treat them any differently. Everyone has different points where they connect, and many of them overlap – some of them don't. I wish it was present in a more concrete way, but it's organic and constantly growing. Things we experienced before we were together shaped our interactions when we met... things we experience together shape our ability to relate to one another. Our developing shared history opens more connections and opportunities to grow. The formal portrait of the five of us was my attempt at a visual representation of how I view our relationship in my head, with me sort of acting as the fulcrum.
Family portrait
Would you say that you are all sexually attracted to each other? Or is this not important? How do you experience intimacy?
We are all definitely attracted to each other, but everyone has different needs and interests... so the sexual interaction takes a lot of different shapes. The physical act of sex however is less of a driver than I think people assume it is. I cannot tell you the number of times we've encountered people who project their 24/7 "orgy lifestyle" fantasies onto us. Don't get me wrong… we have our share of fun in the house and I think my partners are sexy as hell, but a lot of the most fulfilling intimacy comes from things like being on the couch and watching a movie together, going to play mini-golf as a family, or just hugging or touching someone affectionately as we move through the house throughout each day. I cannot tell you how many kisses and "I love you's" I give out (and receive) in a single day and that's amazing. Obviously, a satisfying sex life makes it easier for people to feel happy and fulfilled, but I put a lot more weight on the value of our "togetherness" than on the largely unsustainable fantasy of endless sex any day.
”We have our share of fun in the house and I think my partners are sexy as hell, but a lot of the most fulfilling intimacy comes from things like being on the couch and watching a movie together, going to play mini-golf as a family, or just hugging or touching someone affectionately.”
There's also an age gap between your partners. Does this sometimes create a difference in interest? Does age even matter?
I truly believe age doesn't "matter", but it's still a relationship factor that has to be considered just like anything else. There is actually a decade gap between almost all of our birthdays. I'm 31, Mike is 41, Chris is 51, and Earl is 61. (JP is the odd man out at 53, but that's part of his charm). Even with the age differences, the impact it has on our relationship often has more to do with life experiences than birth year. People develop preferences, habits, and ways of doing things as time goes on – but as long as you're willing to be self-aware and willing to change, there's always an opportunity to grow and connect.
I don't think any of us is really hung up on the age gap, and I suppose the gradient of ages helps to guarantee that there's always someone who can step in to bridge a generational misunderstand if something actually arises. Mostly we just try to focus our energy on what we have in common and how those traits can complement and support each other, rather than grinding against each other's differences.
Sometimes you get unavoidable opinions from the outside world, but that doesn't really bother us too much. People used to care a lot more when I was 20 and Earl was 50, and it certainly bugged me when they felt the need to have an opinion about our relationship... but I've definitely learned to let that go as I've gotten older. Someone invariably wants to know who is who's father or brother, and now we just laugh it off or have fun with it rather than overthinking it.
Earlier this year I took a diptych addressing the age gap between Earl and I – two side-by-side portraits where we were shirtless and wore all the same accessories. I wanted to simultaneously highlight how we match while still acknowledging the obvious physical/age differences between us. Earl is sort of a father figure in my life (being 30 years my senior) and I learned how to be an adult at 19 because of the guidance provided by Earl and JP. It only makes sense that I would look up to and admire them. I called the piece "Like Father, Like Son" in order to lean into all of the gross things that people had said about our relationship over the years, and purposely make us look like father and son... but in a positive way. It was actually a very cathartic piece for me to make and show to people.
“Like Father, Like Son”
What did you think life as queer person would be like when you first came out? How does this compare to where you are now?
I came out in 2006 and honestly, and having partners that span such a wide range of ages has really given me a broad perspective and deep appreciation for how much things have changed in the last 30 years. Being queer in the 2000s is considerably easier than being queer in the 70's and 80's. I'm just finishing up reading a book called "The Velvet Rage", which is a compilation of gay men explaining the trauma and struggles of coming out in a very straight world. A majority of these stories are told from men of a specific age group, ranging from 40 and up. These were men coming out in the U.S. during the 60's, 70's, and 80's - so in addition to the stigma of being queer, they also faced the horror and indignity of the AIDS crisis. The stories are heartbreaking at times, but I quickly started noticing something: I didn't relate to ANY of these men. No part of the dozens of stories I read bore any similarity to the experiences I had coming out. The past three decades have changed so rapidly for queer people that is much easier to live a gay lifestyle now more than ever. I never take for granted that I am allowed to live my true self everyday when queer people not that long ago had to hide themselves.
Sunset pool
What's your favourite camera/film setup and why?
This probably isn't surprising because it's the big one that everyone uses now, but my Mamiya RZ67 will always be my go-to. I've had one since 2010 and it has been an absolute powerhouse. The 110mm lens takes stunning, tack sharp pictures that are just…. *chief's kiss* haha. As for film, Portra 160. But if I had my way I would shoot 220 Portra 400 VC. (RIP NC & VC)
Last question: best thing about being gay/queer?
Oh man, where to start. Haha. Everything? I love everything about being a gay man. I wouldn't change it for a second. There are so many things that I appreciate having the freedom to experience where my straight counterparts often fear to tread. My non-traditional relationship, community pride, art, queer culture, access to kink and sexuality in an environment of acceptance... I could go on all day. Queer people are awesome. It's hard not to be hyped on being queer. Obviously, there's still a long way to go in this country, but the hope that comes from seeing so much change just in my lifespan makes it a lot easier to stay positive and believe in a future where we all thrive.
It's impossible not to be amped up by the fearless exploration of all these new forms of queer identity... all these unique groups developing their own cultures. This project I have with my partners is an example of that exploration and so is this interview. New people will probably be experiencing my work for the first time because of this interview and that helps put a positive spotlight on queer culture, polyamory, and open relationships. So thanks!
“I love everything about being a gay man. I wouldn't change it for a second. There are so many things that I appreciate having the freedom to experience where my straight counterparts often fear to tread.”
Chris & Mike in white singlets
About Jamie
Jamie Moore is a photographer based out of Arizona, USA who’s main focus is documenting queer subcultures that often go under the radar from the general public, in an attempt to put a spotlight on groups of people who thrive without permission.
Jamie is also an active kink educator working in the gay leather culture to help new people come into BDSM without shame or guilt.
To see more of his work, visit his website or follow him on Instagram
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