Call me Holly
A few months back our very loved junior writer decided to make it public and came out as trans. We asked Holly what this important moment means to her and how she feels about her new life.
Interview Suifyeh Hadian Photography JC Verona
Can you tell us about your gender journey?
I think the most startling thing looking back on the beginning of it is that it was far more of a self-acceptance than a self-realisation, if that makes sense. I’m 20 now and started questioning in early adolescence, and I think a lot of people see questioning at that age as purely a discovery, with questions like “what moment did you realise you were trans” being asked a lot because of this. But honestly as I started seeing more unavoidably blunt signs of being trans, my thoughts instead were: “oh god I can’t be trans, I beg I’m not''. rather than a positive experience of gaining any sense of self. Because of this a lot of my early memories of considering gender are just of anxiety, guilt and an unbearable amount of shame. I don’t remember exactly what age I started having those thoughts but it was certainly young, maybe around 14. But I spent a lot of my early journey working up to a point where I could even think of myself as transgender without feeling alien for it, let alone reaching a point where I could say it to anyone else. I think like any trans person I even now have a lot of complicated internalised transphobia I’m still trying to unpack, but after spending most of my teenage years forcing those thinking patterns out and talking to people about being trans I’ve come a long way.
Why did you decide it was the right time now?
In terms of transitioning it’s something I’ve wanted to do since I was like 15, but obviously doing so before you’re legally an adult runs into a host of logistical problems that I wasn’t ready for at the time. For the past couple years I’ve just been busy enough with university that I didn’t have the energy to pursue it just yet. I realise these sound like a list of excuses for putting it off, but having just gone through the months of admin it took to only just start medication I just haven’t had the time, energy or focus to manage the stress it’s been before now.
Deciding to be more public about being trans is more tricky to define I think, because I never particularly wanted a defined ‘coming out’ moment. I’ve been openly trans with a lot of the people I care about for years and years, but because of the nature of literally having to change my name I can’t ask the people who don’t know yet, or acquaintances, to make that change without it inherently being some kind of a statement. So having to make an instagram post that announces something that’s been a constant for me as “new” was honestly an odd experience after already being openly trans in some form for a long time. It sort of felt like a step backwards in that way? I guess the thought that would follow from that is “why did you wait so long to tell certain people so long in the first place”, and I think a lot of that came from waiting until I had a concrete confidence in myself before throwing myself into a situation where I would always be very aware of the fact that people primarily perceive me as “trans”. Regardless of whether that’s a positive or negative evaluation, I just wanted to be confident enough to withstand that evaluation that will now always take place. Anyway to finally answer the question, the point is that I didn’t really decide there would be one right moment for it all, it just felt like the necessary next step of transitioning that couldn’t happen without a ‘coming out’. And that’s partly my fault for leaving it so long, but honestly I think it was for the best in terms of meaning that when I did “come out” I was already very certain of myself and what I want people to see of me.
How would you describe your style/gender expression?
I don’t really have a defined idea of this, and honestly I think I know my style only as well as anyone does at 20! I’m sure I’ll look back on certain outfits or current style decisions as badly as I do to the bunch of awful haircuts I’ve had. Even so it’s kind of tempting to try and work out some absolute version of self-expression when I know it just doesn’t exist. As a result what I’m trying to work on at the moment is just wearing purely what I actually want to. While that sounds obvious, a lot of what I’ve worn even up until recently has predominantly been based on a compromise between what makes me feel comfortable and what kind of flies under the radar of looking visibly queer. But as I’ve ‘come out’ and started moving forward with transitioning I’m honestly just finding a lot of good in pushing myself to wear what purely makes me feel confident regardless of my own perceived judgement.
“Deciding to be more public about being trans is more tricky to define I think, because I never particularly wanted a defined ‘coming out’ moment.”
How has queer culture helped to define you?
I don’t think larger queer culture has defined me as much as having close queer friends has? Like attending events like pride hasn’t helped me create a sense of self as much as being more intimately around individual people dealing with queer problems too. I don’t know if that’s because trying to find representation in a larger culture that relates to and supports one’s individual experience is tough, but I’ve just found engaging with queerness on a personal level has made me feel far more ‘myself’ and connected to the idea of being queer. Even though the problems a lot of my queer friends face are different to mine and vice versa, I think just feeling close to people with analogous experiences who can empathise and create that safe space for each other has given me a huge amount of confidence. In that regard I am just incredibly thankful to have a partner that’s given me the immense support, kindness and safety she has, and it’s made me so, so much more capable of working myself out.
Holly and Harley
What do you most love about what you do?
In terms of what I do academically/ career-wise, at the moment I just feel incredibly lucky and grateful that I’m in a situation where I am able to be myself, and that great opportunities have arisen specifically as a result of that. I’m thankful that I get to go to a university, and a course at that uni that's open-minded enough to not only encourage me to write academically about personal queer issues, but encourage students who aren’t queer to consider that perspective and do the same. Recently being given the opportunity to start modelling has also been immeasurably lucky after knowing for years that looking trans will only work against succeeding professionally. None of this is particularly a reflection of anything I’ve worked for or done, I’m just immensely, profoundly lucky that I’ve been privileged enough that I’m in an environment where being and looking trans hasn’t actively worked against me.
Who are your ultimate queer icons?
When I was younger I really loved a trans artist and author called Julia Kaye who wrote a visual diary about her transition in the form of 3-panel comics. She did them a few times a week over the course of years and published them into two separate books, the first of which was called “super late bloomer”, and was just super comforting when I was around 15/16. I think it was just exactly what I needed at that age because it both showed an older, traditionally successful trans person’s lived experience, and because of the nature of it being a serialised diary, it was far more comforting than a lot of the other writing around. It compartmentalised her real challenges and successes of being trans into discrete, palatable moments that didn’t overwhelm me in the same way a lot of media that centred around how “it’s incredibly challenging being trans” did. Of course it is at times, but reading her diary and confronting the fact that I would have to face these issues too was far more manageable after seeing them isolated and dealt with one by one, a day at a time, interspersed with moments of joy. It really helped with the shame I spoke about earlier. I also really really look up to Hunter Schafer, I just think everything she’s done is incredibly impressive and can’t put into words how huge a fan I am of hers. I guess another answer to the style question would be more like her!
About Holly
Holly is a KCL Liberal Arts student and a junior writer at ZERO.NINE Magazine.
Follow her on Instagram
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