The ascension of Dahc Dermur VIII
Known for their radiant energy and unique visual expression, fashion icon and performance artist Chadd Curry aka Dahc Dermur VIII has been a prominent figure in the London underground nightlife and music scene for over ten years. For our Fashion month cover story, Hannah and Steven (Fecal Matter) talked to Dahc about their deeply personal journey and what it took to find and live their true authentic self.
Interview Fecal Matter Photography Christian Trippe
Anatomy dress & shoes: Kei Kagami
Thank you for asking us to be a part of this interview! We love you so much Chadd and can’t wait for the world to discover you; an unsung hero that has died and came back to life many times during your fight for freedom of expression. We know it was a while back, but do you remember how we first met?
Chadd: We were at The Mandrake hotel in 2018 for your fashion show. We had never met before, but I felt like we had met each other in a previous life. There was an instant bond between us in that first meeting, and I felt this sense of knowing that we were going to be really close. I remember Steven said fifteen years ago that you had this picture of me with a white face that you found on Tumblr. It made me think we were all part of the same journey, and that the universe brought us together years later. It was a full circle, as all roads had led to that present moment and that I was somehow part of your journey and your blossoming and becoming, and it really humbled me… Is that how you remember it?
Hannah: Yes! I remember when we first talked after the fashion show, you shared your mantra that the universe is never early, but it's also never late. Ever since you told me, I still live by this mantra.
Anatomy dress & shoes Kei Kagami
What were you like before you had the courage to be yourself? What did that feel like?
Chadd: My essence has always been the baseline of my existence, but it was continually drowned out by my attempt to be everybody else's version of me. I spent most of my life doing that, because I felt like I owed it to people, and I felt like I didn’t deserve to be happy. In trying to live these other versions I was secretly dying inside.
Steven: What was that person like? What were you trying to be?
Chadd: After gay conversion therapy and enduring the cult indoctrination of the Baptist church that I grew up in, I married a woman, had a child, and lived in a house with a white picket fence. I was trying to live by these ideals placed upon me by my family, and to the backdrop of right-wing conservatism of 1980’s Texas. In this environment there wasn’t any otherness, or queerness. I was constantly shamed as a faggot, told I’m too feminine, that my voice and body language isn’t right, and that I was wrong for wearing women’s clothes.
Steven: No matter how much you tried, you never actually lived up to what they wanted you to be in the first place. That's amazing. That proves that even in those earliest days you were always your authentic self, even in that moment.
“I severed the umbilical cord and left everything and everyone that was suppressing me.”
Chadd: You know I needed to hear that because I felt like I failed myself. I was still attempting to be my true authentic self and that was shamed at every corner while I was growing up. Living in this bubble made me unable to express my queerness, or say that I'm gay, or any of the other things that were percolating in my head. Anaïs Nin said, “Had I not created my whole world, I would certainly have died in other people’s”.
So I severed the umbilical cord and left everything and everyone that was suppressing me, I finally felt like I can be the lead actor, and that I could finally be free.
Black leather vest, leather gloves and thigh high boots: Rick Owens, Black leather jock strap: KLEIDUNGS WERK
What’s your experience with parents, and how do you approach the concept of parenting within your chosen family?
Chadd: Cutting all ties with my biological family was essential to become the person I am today. Blood isn't always thicker than water, and hypocritical religion has truly blinded the true meaning of unconditional love.
“Blood isn't always thicker than water, and hypocritical religion has truly blinded the true meaning of unconditional love.”
Hannah: And when you say blood is not thicker than water, what does that mean?
Chadd: I think finding your chosen family that chooses you back, that's like a baptism. It cleansed me, it was my immersion into otherness where I finally felt free from the abuse, disapproval and judgments that I suffered during my childhood with my blood family.
What underscores my parenting and my role as a mother figure now is my trauma and journey with my biological family. I have a biological son, which has brought me immense joy and heartbreak. I'm still processing and still trying to build these bridges of understanding between us. This journey has made me who I am today, and it has empowered me to be the parent that I need to be to my community, to my chosen family, and to the world. I am honoured, humbled and proud that I have the opportunity to use my life experiences, the good, the bad and the ugly to inject beauty and kindness into the world.
Steven: You are an amazing example of a parent, because you have this ability to give love so easily. So many parents, whether it's with their biological children, or with their chosen family, don't possess the ability to love and support their child unconditionally, without judgement. Thank you for giving us that Chadd, we love you so much.
Black leather vest and leather gloves: Rick Owens, Black leather jock strap: KLEIDUNGS WERK, Black silicone boots: nullo
“I am honoured, humbled and proud that I have the opportunity to use my life experiences, the good, the bad and the ugly to inject beauty and kindness into the world.”
Industrial revolution dress and shoes: Kei Kagami, Black leather gloves: Rick Owens
Industrial revolution dress and shoes: Kei Kagami, Black leather gloves: Rick Owens
What has been your journey of self-expression once you set yourself free?
Chadd: I had a taste of my self expression when I was 18 and ran away from home for two years. I got into drugs, prostitution and trouble with the law. It was during this time I started expressing queerness and experimenting with extreme looks. I had no cap, and little control over my behaviour at that time, as it was my introduction into the real world outside of the church. After a court case I was threatened with prison, instead my father took me to drug rehabilitation and forced me into gay conversion therapy, it was like being shoved back into the womb, back into the place that I didn't want to be, I felt like a freshly hatched butterfly that had just been caught.
Suddenly I was this other version of me again, and I lived that way for ten years, but through a sequence of traumatic events the penny finally dropped and I couldn’t do it anymore. I felt like I would die if I couldn’t be my authentic self. I had to make the decision to be who I am. It's one of the most responsible decisions I've ever made.
“After a court case I was threatened with prison, instead my father took me to drug rehabilitation and forced me into gay conversion therapy, it was like being shoved back into the womb.”
It was extremely tough as I was a father and husband in a community where I had fabricated a persona to please everyone around me, and I left it all. I knew I had to live for truth, and live for freedom. I knew that I had to touch the world in some capacity by being my true authentic self. I started taking a lot of risks. I didn’t know what I was going to do, or where I was going.
Moving to New York paved the way for my true transformation to begin, I threw off the shackles and broke down the walls of internalised shame, and I craved the extraordinary in the every day.
Once I made the decision to live freely, life escalated at a very fast pace; I lost more, but I gained a lot more. It came with a high price because I hadn't understood the root of all the darkness in my life, and all the abuse that I had been repressing. At the time people thought I was brave, but I was still living in fear. There wasn't this internal freedom like I have now. I hadn't taken care of the person inside. I drifted back into drug abuse, self-harm, and petty crime because I hadn't dealt with my internal struggles.
I lost 20 years of my life to hard drugs, where I was constantly surviving day to day. Fortunately six years ago I began my sobriety, which saved and changed my life. It allowed me to build a pathway out of the cell.
Black dress & coat: Comme des Garçons, Shoes: Vivienne Westwood, Box hat: Jo Miller Studio
We both share polarising reactions in real life, how does it make you feel?
Chadd: What I express on the outside is me being transparent. That's what people don't realise. People always ask “What are you hiding? What are you covering up?” I'm not covering up anything. I'm revealing what's in here. This is a gateway to my mind. This is me being vulnerable, because I'm exposing my true self to the world.
I think it’s important for people to know that the look and personality is 24/7. I want people to know that I don't do it for attention. It’s also not an act of bravery, I do it because it's who I am. Good and bad things happen because of it, some amazing opportunities have come, but also regular harassment and hate crime. Either way I’m going to get up the next day and be who I am, as this is authentic and I had to fight to get to where I am. I will never exchange hate for hate and will do my best to educate with kindness and love.
I think about some of the extremities that I have been through because of the way I look, whether that’s being hospitalised or beaten within an inch of my life, and despite that I will never let it defeat me.
Bone velvet dress: Rick Owens, Headpiece: Karina Akopyan & Monika Bereza
What are you afraid of?
Chadd: Immediately, I think of the Coil lyric “The only thing to fear is fear itself”.
The echo chamber of fear I lived in for most of my life has propelled me to live a life above reproach, with no regrets free of fear that stifles judgment and ambition.
With my recent health scare, including cancer, it's made me realise how important my health is. It’s given me a new perspective on life, and more than ever, fear of having my health taken away.
Steven: It shook us to our core when you told us about your tumour and how it could be deadly. It’s a miracle everything seems better now. But it’s also thanks to your strength and resilience, which inspires us so deeply.
Sequin denim dress: Rick Owens, Hair: Wig Chapel
What inspires you to keep going?
Chadd: After growing up in isolation I had little choice but to believe in myself, so I became my own source of inspiration, and that enthusiasm continues to this day.
The future inspires me, having been held back for so long, and only recently getting a second chance at life, I feel like my greatest moment is still to come, so having that on the horizon makes me want to keep going.
“The future inspires me, having been held back for so long, and only recently getting a second chance at life, I feel like my greatest moment is still to come.”
Humanity allows me to keep growing and be a part of the solution to a dark world, and to do that we must brace the transformative components of forgiveness and compassion for ourselves and towards others. It’s all about love and I realise I have so much love to give, and I want the opportunity to give love to others.
The debt of our freedom has been paid through the collective sacrifice, pain and risk to those who came before us; with great joy and humility I am committed to continue to carry the torch and be a beacon of light and hope to make a difference for the greater good.
Sequin denim dress: Rick Owens, Hair: Wig Chapel
Team credits
Interview: Hannah & Steven Fecal Matter
Interview edited by Parma Ham
Photography: Christian Trippe
Photo assistant: Tom Beck
Styling: Chadd Curry
Styling assistant: Leo Monira
Makeup: Anastasija von Beaverhausen
Makeup assistant: Shaila van Diessen
Hair: Wig Chapel
Special thanks to the Silver Building, The Mandrake Hotel, Rick Owens, Dover Street Market London and Kei Kagami.
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