Ghosts of pleasure
Proudly queer and out pro-skateboarder Brian Anderson has been battling with alcohol for many years. Last year, in May, he finally decided to quit drinking. Skateboard legend Ed Templeton has been friends with Brian for more than 25 years. He spoke with him about their early days, dark moments and how Brian discovered his sober superpowers.
Interview Ed Templeton Photography Christian Trippe
Hat: Prada, Shorts: Parke & Ronen
Brian: Hey Ed, in this conversation I just wanted to talk with you about how you and I have been friends so long, been on tours and things I learned early on from you, like eating healthy and looking outside of just skateboarding. And I want to talk about where I'm at now with being creative and how sobriety has helped that.
Ed: So as you know, I’m speaking to you from a train from Zurich to Stuttgart. Wearing a mask and looking out the back of the train. So it's a fun picture. But yeah, I remember being on tour with you. And obviously, all of this stuff happening. I remember, when you finally came out, I almost felt hurt, did I tell you that before?
Brian: I don't remember that, no.
Ed: Yeah. I mean, I don't know if that's the right word. But you know, for lack of a better word, I did feel almost like hurt. Because I was like, I think Brian knew I had always been anti homophobia and super open. So when you came out, one aspect of what I felt was like, man, I feel sad that you didn't feel open enough to come out. But you were also interesting in your response, because you were like, I wasn't ready. You didn’t want to be the poster boy for gay skateboarding at that moment. And it would have been for sure that immediately, if you did that, as skater of the year and two-time world champion.
Brian: Well, yeah, I certainly didn't think that you would exploit me. I knew that you'd be so happy for me but I just wasn’t ready.
Ed: I would have been like, let's do a board, let’s embrace it. I’ve told you this before, but I really think that your coming out was such a watershed moment for so many kids across the world who were fans of you from day one. It just forced every kid who was a fan of BA, to just realise it doesn't matter. I think a lot of skaters never have to even consider the idea of like, what do I think about gay people? And it's probably a healthy question to think about at some point. You became a catalyst for changing a lot of minds for the positive.
Brian: Yeah, and I was approached and complimented and thanked after that story, on a daily basis. That was pretty intense in the weeks, months and years after, you know, people coming up to me in New York City on the street saying thank you, you helped me kind of save my gay brother's life and things like that. So you're right, it did affect a lot of people.
Ed: You never know what it'll do. It shouldn't be this sort of controversial thing in this world. I know you don't want to toot your own horn about it, but I think it was an amazing decision.
Denim Baseball Jersey: Supreme x Louis Vuitton, Shirt: Uniqlo, Shorts and Belt: Vintage, Sunglasses: Balenciaga, Watch: Gucci, Shoes: Nike SB Ishod Wair, Rings: The Hunt
Brian: I thought I might be able to say something that might help others. I think that's why it also feels good with changing my life with my alcoholism, and knowing that it helps other people.
And that stemmed from years of being in the closet, and looking back, drinking a lot to reduce the pain of being in the closet. And then also, there's the physical pain from skateboarding. You know, I jokingly call it ‘liquid stretch’, and later on in my life, speaking of coming out, I had totally come out and done the documentary. So why should I continue to drink myself into a blackout? It was like this old habit, that needs to stop because we only have this one body and I need to take care of it.
Ed: I think anyone who has a platform like you do, or I do through skateboarding, people are following us. And there's like, good and bad with that, but any story we share is going to be something that people can use to help in their lives. And you sharing your journey out of alcoholism is something that is amazing. Your story was coming out the closet and living your life openly. And on top of that, the alcoholism, there's clearly a group of people that fully identify with you specifically, which is great.
And, you know, as a friend who saw you in maybe some of the darker moments, it's really frustrating because I don't think I was ever in a position to say something. I don't think you and I ever spoke when you were doing Toy Machine about your drinking. I don't recall ever saying like, ‘Dude, you should cut down’, because I just didn't feel like it was my place. And also you weren't like shit faced all the time. You know, you were a very functional drunk. I didn't see you do something where it's like he's not performing anymore. He can't do a demo because he's wasted or something like that.
Brian: Yeah. Well, you know, that. There were people around us at the time who glorified that, and that was their lifestyle. And I'm not trying to talk down on them or shame them. But you and I definitely observed that and I made a point to be like, well, partying and getting drunk is easy, if you're good at it.
So, yeah, when it starts to show and then also, when I start to see it and feel it, and you just realise the years of it, that's when someone needs to have a conversation. And it's not easy to have a conversation with yourself.
Leather vest: Supreme, Shirt: JCRT
“Partying and getting drunk is easy, if you're good at it.”
Bible belt by newpaloop
Ed: I wonder, had I spoken with you earlier? Would it have had an effect or just pissed you off?
Brian: It’s strange because I've never talked about this with you. You know, I valued everything you said and I listened to you. I probably would have taken your advice, but tucked it under my hat because I was like 24 or 25 when I left Toy Machine. And I was still young and touring so much. And the drinking continued, but I had my moments of clarity. And then I had, yeah, other darker moments. And a lot of it is genetic, as we know, inherited from relatives, but I'm not blaming it on them. But that's also why I was able to drink the amount that I could, and with my personality, like you said, it didn't really affect my skating. I would sort of know when I was too drunk in public, and then I would go hide, which is also a problem.
“I lost five friends to drugs and alcohol in the last five years. The longer we're here, the more people we see die right in front of us.”
I mean, in most of my videos I had probably six beers in me at all times. Which is a weird thing. It's kind of the opposite of taking steroids. But thankfully, I would reach out to people in San Francisco when it got worse. And I would ask Lindsay Burns, ‘Can I go to an AA meeting with you?’, and I knew I had the wherewithal to be like, ‘Oh, my God, I have to drink a bunch of water’. And I should go to the gym. And I always wanted to stay healthy enough to skate because we saw so many people go down the deep end with drugs and more than just the booze, you know. I did remind myself all the time to take decent care of myself, but the amount I was drinking was definitely doing damage. So last year after trying maybe four or five times to stop drinking and making it three, four months, I had those experiments, or, you know, those trial times. And last year in May is when I realised I have to stop. I didn't really feel pain in my organs. But I could tell my body was saying, ‘This has to stop’. I could see it and my face was just getting so bloated, and then we started losing friends. I lost five friends to drugs and alcohol in the last five years. The longer we're here, the more people we see die right in front of us. And that was also something that made me snap out of where I was. And I thought, wow, life is precious and I wanted to make a change.
Kaftan: Anatoli.co, Shorts: Parke & Ronen, Hat: Vintage
I lay there in bed and I said, ‘Sorry’, to my body, my lungs, my muscles, my bones and my heart. And I quietly said to myself, ‘You know, I'm going to do us a favour’, I said, ‘I'm going to stop putting poisons in our body’. And I say our body because I believe your body is shared. It felt really cool, you know, to just to just lay there and just go, ‘Wow, what a beautiful thing life has been’.
“There's a fog that's lifted. I no longer have that warm, cosy Afghan blanket of red wine around me.”
I'm pretty determined that I never want to drink again, and it's because of that conversation I had with myself. I'm taking pleasure now in actually feeling my whole body, my height, my weight and acknowledging it, as I walk around, and that, that comes from sobriety. There's a fog that's lifted. I no longer have that warm, cosy Afghan blanket of red wine around me.
This is something to discuss further but I've never been tested for any ADHD. My mom had to tie me down in my highchair when I was a kid, because I would climb out of that thing. So I'm like, God, how did you raise me, mom? I'm a busy, busy body, and I have a creative, busy mind. And I think alcohol helped calm down a lot of that. Since I stopped drinking, I’ve been writing a lot to calm down my body and this noise in my mind. And it's been so interesting coming out of the haze of these decades of drinking and having been very fortunate to find these other tools such as writing, photography and art that I'm now pursuing. More than ever.
Hat: Vintage, Shirt: Vintage Rolling Stones , Belt: Evan Sparrow
“No matter what I or anyone else would have said, the only person who can decide is Brian Anderson, when it's time…”
Ed Templeton
Ed: Sounds like you have tons of energy to focus on other things, which is great. I'm so happy that you have come to this spot. Like even talking to you, I feel like you're clearer and more enthusiastic about what's in the future. It's amazing how many projects you have, and you want to do. And, you know, no matter what I or anyone else would have said, the only person who can decide is Brian Anderson, when it's time and it sounds like you found that time and your body spoke to you. And you're ready to enter another chapter of your life without alcohol in it.
Brian: Thank you for being such a good friend and a person who has guided me from the beginning. And, you know, I wouldn't be where I am right now, if it wasn't for us meeting and starting my skateboard career, with you and Toy Machine. I'm really grateful for all that.
Ed: And thank you, I'm glad we could share part of our path together in that very intense way over the years. And it's, you know, it's a lifelong bond now, for sure.
Hat: Vintage, Shirt: Vintage Rolling Stones, Belt: Evan Sparrow, Shoes: Nike SB Zoom Stefan Janoski Rm Crafted, Rings: The Hunt
If you want to keep up with Brian’s news, follow him on Instagram.
Credits
Interview Ed Templeton
Photography Christian Trippe
Copy Editor George Calia
Fashion consultant Aki Choklat
Special thanks to Tom, Frank and Evan.
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